Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Pine - Sol Woman

Some of my friends don't want to get married. They like their freedom. They like playin' the field. They like their smelly, germ-infested house. As for me, I'm ready to settle down. I'm tired of eating peanut butter and jelly or fast food for dinner. I've had enough of four different piles of laundry: 1) Dirty, 2) Clean, 3) Dirty but wearable, 4) Dirty, not wearable, but I'll get one more day out of it anyway before I throw it in the dirty pile.

Yep, I'm ready for the love, affection, and security that comes with a lasting relationship. She doesn't have to be a beauty queen or a fashion model. Looks are secondary. As long as she has all her teeth and is slender, I'm fine. Sorry, she can't be fat. I know it's what's below the surface that's most important, but if that surface is too big, I'm not interested in drillin' to see what might be below it. Oh, and she should have beautiful green, emerald-like eyes. But other than those traits, looks don't matter. Oh, but she needs to be a brunette and have olive skin. Man, I love brunettes with olive skin. But other than that, looks don't matter.

Heck, I'm not shallow. As long as she's got all her teeth, is slender, has beautiful green eyes, is a brunette, and has olive skin, I'm good... provided she has a curvy figure. I mean, c'mon; if I'm going to have a long-term relationship, she needs to have a nice figure. It's only natural to need that, right? But other than that, looks don't matter. It's all about who she is as a person. Oh, and she needs to have a good job. I'm an open-minded, modern kind of guy. I don't mind a liberated woman who makes more than me. Especially given the fact that my business has been taking a beating lately. Comic book sales aren't what they used to be. Oh, and by the way, Wolverine has to be her favorite X-Man. But other than that, all that matters is that she's a wonderful, sincere person.

There is one last requirement: Pine-Sol. That's right; she's got to know how to wield a mop and a bucket of pine-sol. Pine-Sol rocks!! Forget needing a woman who cooks like mom, I want a woman who cleans like her. When I was a kid, the whole house smelled like Pine-Sol from 9am until noon. Mom kept that house cleaner than a newborn baby. Wait, forget that analogy. Newborn babies are actually pretty disgusting. Oh well, you know what I mean. Mom kept the house clean thanks to the assistance of her trusty Pine-Sol. Pine-sol kills germs and disinfects almost any piece of the house.

Think I'm strange? Not so fast! Have you ever seen photos of all the eerie little creepy germs that live in your clothes, your sheets, on your floors and counter tops? It's frightening. Don't even get me started on all the germs and bacteria you're tracking in on your shoes. That dog poop you stepped in out back, do you really think you wiped it all off with a paper towel and a stick? Add a few snotty-nosed kids to the scenario who've spent the day passing germs and toys back and forth and you've got a horrifying, albeit unseen, situation occurring right in your own home. What will save us from this hopeless pandemic of unnoticed danger? Pine-Sol, baby... Pine-Sol.
The rock band KISS has a song called "Hard Luck Woman." Well, I don't need a hard luck woman-sounds like she'd have too many issues. What I want is a Pine-Sol woman. Just one, Pine-Sol usin', germ annihilating, Wolverine lovin', brunette with a curvy figure, green eyes, olive skin, and all her teeth. That's all I need to keep my house sanitized.

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